Monday, June 21, 2010 | By: Reenie

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams; your voice it chased away all the sanity in me*

Growing up- I lived with an overpowering aunt who would read my diary slyly to find out about my friends’ secrets (I used to keep a paper diary back then), then she would call their parents and inform them about their daughters’ boyfriends. She never told them how she got to know and I would often see my friends distancing themselves from me ‘without a word’ thinking I was the traitor.

I never knew what she did (I trusted my aunt to never go through my stuff; and no, I’m not that naive anymore) until one day a friend tearfully accused me over the phone of treachery after her mother grounded her on the ground of ‘having a boyfriend’ at the young age of 13 (that’s when I stopped writing in that diary, burned it down and invited my aunt to get more innovative in making sure my life sucked... well, pretty much that. Needless to say, she did not disappoint). That was a long time back; back when we were in high school...

I did not have my first boyfriend till I was 18; and no wonder I never had many friends... but today- after almost 17 years since that tearful phonecall- on the eve of visiting that strange land that is not exactly ‘home’ anymore- I am allowing myself to feel bad for the lonely friendless girl that I used to be... it is rather sad that in so many ways I am still that same girl...

It does, however, make me wonder if you- my dear readers- too were ever betrayed in some way that changed you irrevocably (that you would not mind sharing with me)?

[*Post tile from, My Immortal by Evanescence]

12 thoughts:

The (un)Common Woman said...

Thats awful! :( But guess its long gone!

Thankfully, nobody has betrayed me to that extent. *touchwood*

And remember- Whenever you fall, pick something up! :)
I am sure you did.

Take care.

Reenie said...

Yea, it is rather awful- isn't it?

This is the first time I ever talked about it actually. All these years I focused on how my friends were betrayed by my actions, I never quite saw how I was wronged...

I did pick something up, I guess...

Kea said...

Oh, let's just say I'm the Queen of Trust Issues and leave it at that. It's not for nothing that I'm 46 and haven chosen to avoid human all relationships over the past 9 years. :-))

Jacqueline said...

I think when you forgive yourself and learn to trust yourself again, it gives you some kind of peace and hopefully, eventually, open doors in your heart/life that were once closed...I sent you an email about this, hope you don't mind...Take care.

Jacqueline said...

The guilt and regret thrown on us by others weighs us down over the years=that's the point of my first comment.

Reenie said...

@ Jacqueline,

Of course I don't mind. I will reply to you, too- once I reach work and settle down a bit. It's a 4c morning in Melbourne today, I'm walking towards the station now and I ungloved one hand to write this comment (technology! :)). I'll finish it for now before the hand freezes :).

Take care, friend.

Reenie said...

@ Kea,

Yea, I too am trying to go 'easy' on me. It has not always been 'my fault' after all.

Reenie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
candlelight soldier said...

nothing is forever,reenie..betrayals are a part of life, and if it changes you, it can only be for good..for your good,atleast..

Reenie said...

@Candle,

Maybe, maybe not. But hey- not that I can change anything of the past! So, it's all good- really :).

fimbrethil said...

Your aunt and my mom sound similar. While my mom never used my diary to betray me, she did read it an awful lot. Rather than burn it, I took to writing fictitious entries. She could never remember what we talked about and what she had read so sometimes she tripped herself up by saying something she could have only found out by reading my diary.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. how awful for you and your friends.

Reenie said...

@Ellie,
Thank you, Darl, that was a long time back- life is much better now.
Those friends are long- gone now, Ellie. I wasn't a good enough friend for them.
Sorry to hear that you went through it too, to some degree.

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