Tuesday, July 6, 2010 | By: Reenie

The time between...

With all my flaws, conventions and un-conventions- I am here. It was never my priority to be popular; nor was it my intention to compete to be in your good books. I thought if I deserve to be, I will be there anyway. I have been ‘me’ instead and when I thought I needed the distance, I left.

You can perhaps say that I have been selfish. Perhaps I was, but I know I am a better person when I get my way- I am a free bird, with a gypsy’s soul and a capable brain. I am my best when I put my colours on the blank canvas to paint my life- not your colours, not his, not hers- but mine. I have my better qualities though- I am not scared of hard work, storms, rains or challenges... I cannot say the same about ‘intimacy’ though- because though I have always been emotional, I have also been a little emotionally distant. I cannot help it; it is a part of the package that makes me.

So... yes, I had left- and then came back because I wanted to and I know I will leave again. You have welcomed me back with your arms open and I know you will shed a tear when I leave. I knew that you care, I always have... yet, sometimes I wish you cared enough- because what concerns me is the time between that welcome and that tear.

... after all there hasn’t been a time when you did not try to ‘change’ me.

6 thoughts:

The (un)Common Woman said...

Perfectly valid thought, I would say.

And so far...this is my fav post of yours. :)

Jacqueline said...

Everything that finds you on this trip is part of your journey to self discovery; accept who you used to be and embrace who you have become...There is beauty and freedom in letting go of anger/hurt, of expectations, of the past...Enjoy the moment as you experience it right NOW...Sending you hugs and positive energy.

Agnes said...

I guess, in the end... being true to yourself is all you can do...

Kea said...

Hi Reenie.

Not sure if you are referring to your dad/parents here, since I'm still new to following your blog.

But I think it's difficult for most humans who are close to us (parents, partners especially) to simply accept us as we are.

We have an idea of how a person "should" be, what our relationship with them "should" be like, and try to mould (mold?) the other person to fit the expectations.

As an example, the woman who thinks she can change her boyfriend/husband. Or the parent who thinks that by imposing their will on their child, they'll change the child and thereby fulfill their own unrequited dreams and desires.

Maybe this isn't what you meant, but this is what comes to mind for me, reading your words.

Good post!

WarmSunshine said...

*sigh*

they try to change me as well... and little do they know, they break me each time they do it. Glad someone is stronger than me.

Take care.

Me-Era* said...

Where you?

Hey! I just did a lovely tag and would like to pass it on to you. :)

Visit: http://lavender-woman.blogspot.com/2010/07/just-talks-about-me-tag.html

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