The 'journey' has now begun...

9063 kilometres, a rather turbulent flight and two exhausting days later- I am finally in Dhaka; and after my interesting day yesterday- last night, I slept like there is no tomorrow.

Now I am up to a hot and humid Dhaka morning... craving a cup of nice and warm tea and yet not getting out of this room and cherishing some time of my own. It is not something you get much in these parts of the world; there is an odd lack of privacy.

Things I have noticed in my first day here is that my parents are older, Dhaka is busier and every time I am out in the roads I am amazed that the traffic is ever ‘crazier’ than I remember!

The mangoes, though, are another story... and the food; in a typical Aussie expression, I’ll just say that they are just UNREAL, maties, UNREAL. Oh, they are wonderful!

Anyway, enough for now- my friends. I am now about to get out to the daily hustle bustles of life in the East in exchange for a cup of tea. I did claim it sometimes that I am rather easy to please, didn’t I? Well, just sometimes :)

More later, my dear readers. Meanwhile YOU make sure you break a leg... not literally of course :).

One to the front and one to the side, clap your hands once and clap your hands twice and if it looks like this then you doin' it right*

I have a flight to catch in less than a week and still not packed, I have the little gifts bought that is in neat piles in various sections of the house, have an almost empty fridge and consciously not buying any food stock because I also have big plans of cleaning my fridge tomorrow and leave it as empty as I can while I’m away (wish me luck, quick :)!).

Last night’s dinner was a crappy Indian take-away chicken biriani... and usually I like biriani, but that is one place that I’m never again getting it from... what a waste of $12! Looks like I might have to throw the rest away when I clean the fridge... or maybe not. Don’t you just hate it when food is wasted? I do.

On a loosely related note- I cannot divulge an awful lot of details as yet due to privacy factors of the related parties, but seems like this little visit has expedited a lovely couple to think of the date for their engagement party and that we’re getting to attend it after all- that engagement party is now roughly 9,063 kilometres and 8 days away... it is closer than you think, trust me! I never thought I’d say this, but I’m rather flattered by all this attention...

... I feel like Cinderella!

[*Post title from, A little bit of Monica by Lou Bega]

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams; your voice it chased away all the sanity in me*

Growing up- I lived with an overpowering aunt who would read my diary slyly to find out about my friends’ secrets (I used to keep a paper diary back then), then she would call their parents and inform them about their daughters’ boyfriends. She never told them how she got to know and I would often see my friends distancing themselves from me ‘without a word’ thinking I was the traitor.

I never knew what she did (I trusted my aunt to never go through my stuff; and no, I’m not that naive anymore) until one day a friend tearfully accused me over the phone of treachery after her mother grounded her on the ground of ‘having a boyfriend’ at the young age of 13 (that’s when I stopped writing in that diary, burned it down and invited my aunt to get more innovative in making sure my life sucked... well, pretty much that. Needless to say, she did not disappoint). That was a long time back; back when we were in high school...

I did not have my first boyfriend till I was 18; and no wonder I never had many friends... but today- after almost 17 years since that tearful phonecall- on the eve of visiting that strange land that is not exactly ‘home’ anymore- I am allowing myself to feel bad for the lonely friendless girl that I used to be... it is rather sad that in so many ways I am still that same girl...

It does, however, make me wonder if you- my dear readers- too were ever betrayed in some way that changed you irrevocably (that you would not mind sharing with me)?

[*Post tile from, My Immortal by Evanescence]

... but take your time, think a lot... why think of everything you've got; for you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not...*

The subject-line of his email to me today was ‘9’... means that he sees me in that many days- he has counted it down from ‘64’, one day at a time... it also means that he is waiting to see me. And yes, I have always known that I am his favourite child.

I have often wondered why though... I mean- why me? I mean- I can understand that ‘love’ does not follow rules- but me being a stubborn, one-track mind, emotional, unpredictable, depressive, solitary kind of a person that I am- I wonder why I’d be anyone’s favourite.

Not that I’m complaining though; definitely, not. For now- putting aside my worry for the kitten for the time that I will be away- let’s just say that I, too, am happy that I get to see my father in 9 days.

[*Post title from, Father & Son by Cat Stevens]

The conversation’s trivial, but trivial is fine... when held up to the light*

I am going through one of those times when my mind goes silent... some call it a 'writer’s block'; and yes- maybe that is what it is, too.

Actually when I say my mind has gone silent, I do not give the perfect picture. There is a lot in my mind, A LOT; but I cannot seem to put them down. There are words, sentences and punctuations floating inside of my head- floating, flowing, tumbling against each other, bursting and disappearing - I just cannot catch them...

After some effort- I have now decided to let it be, let them float... and when the time comes I will again spill some of me on this blog... like I always do. All I know now is that the time is ‘not today’... it can be tomorrow, can be next week, can be next month... I don’t know when, but I’m almost certain that it will come... I cannot go without writing for a long stretch of time after all. I never have.

For now... it’s just easier to crawl into myself and write in my kitten’s blog- where the atmosphere is much 'breezier', or take up the pencil and draw a line here and a shade there, or take up the camera and take a thousand meaningless photos... yes, they are so much easier than writing... I can tell that I'm looking for something, I just wish I knew what is it...

... True, I cannot figure it out exactly... and I am (halfheartedly) wondering if I am underwhelmed or is it that I am actually simply overwhelmed?

[*Post title from, Words by Kate Miller-Heidke]

Little sister... I've been trying to feel complete again; but you are gone, so is God...*

I understand that there is THAT point in some relationships... when you stop trying, when you give up, when you decide to move on... the point when you decide to let it go.

I don’t reach that point easily- maybe because I hardly ever have relationships that close... the relationships that do reach this point at all need to have a shared past- a history- even though ‘no’ future... and I am a little too ‘hermit-y’ to have many friends with a ‘history’.

It might not have been easy, but I’m accepting it about a certain friend of mine: I’m moving on. I understand it has happened some time back... it was me who was still carrying the dead bones of a friendship that I thought was like no other, with my little first-aid kit and a faith in our ‘shared history’... hoping that I will be able to make it thrive again someday...

... only that I was the only one of us who cared. It is quite a burden, let me tell you- it can make you feel very ‘un-special’ :)

I am now moving on... to those who still care, who still worry if I tell them about the bad things happening in my life and in my not-quite-sane head, who still think that I am the ‘beautiful friend’. It took me a little more than a year to say it out, but it is quite possibly better this way. It is more ‘balanced’ when not ONE of us cares anymore.

[It sucks though, doesn’t it? Makes me wonder if you, too, have reached this infamous point ever in your life?]

*Post Title from: A man and a woman by U2.

Have you seen her all in gold, like a queen in days of old...? She shoots colours all around, like a sunset going down...*

This weekend has been a ‘productive’ one- albeit in a household-y way, but don’t you ever undermine the power of a clean house and its effects on the state of my mind. I don’t know about you- but for me, they are intertwined... I get very... umm... stressed by ‘clutter’. What can I say? I am very typical that way :)

Today- on the last day of the QB long weekend- I’m well caught up on laundry, have mopped every surface in the house- including the ceramic on the kitchen and the ‘high maintenance’ wooden floors of my house (my opinion- high maintenance, yes; but lovely nonetheless!). So now, I’m dog-tired from all the hard-work- but admittedly rather pleased with myself too.

Also, I wasn’t exaggerating in my latest post when I said that we did not have many wearable clothes due to the silly winter not letting us have any ‘dry’ clothes... my piles of ‘washed and dried’ clothes had taken up half of our living room floor at one point this weekend! It is a wonder that I still had clothes to wear, however long it took me to find one on the last Friday! Needless to say that this pile is now taken to its dedicated wardrobe spaces (Told you, I worked hard this weekend!), thankyouverymuch!

Well... true, the sun was up right next day of us getting a dryer (Murphy loves me!)... but at least we are now more prepared for rainy days, right? And of course, I’m not complaining... because Sun is good ANYTIME!

[*Post title from, She’s a rainbow by Rolling Stones]

Here comes the sun, little darling... it feels like years since it’s been here...

To combat wet clothes, cold and rain- we finally bought a dryer. We were tired of running out of wearable clothes, as none that we wash were EVER drying, there is just no SUNLIGHT to help us out here (no thanks to you, Winter!). Take this morning for example, it took me 15 minutes to find a DRY decent top to wear with my jeans! Don’t you just HATE it when it happens, especially when you know that you could spend those 15 minutes SLEEPING, that too on a COLD MORNING?

The kitten, though, is very suspicious of this newest addition to the house- and we often have to pick him up to oblige to his ‘meows’ so that he can have a ‘sniff’ at it from the protection of our arms in case the ‘dryer attacks him’... [Awwww! My poor baby] !. I say- whoever that says they don’t like cats, has never seen one from close. No, seriously. How can you not love a cat is beyond my every understanding...

In other news, I miss the Sun :)... and even though this winter will last for the next 4 months, I am only a few weeks away from a Summer. I was never too fond of that particular ‘flavour’ of Summer, and I’ll probably start complaining as soon as I the humidity touches my skin... but right now I’m focusing on the mangoes, lichies, watermelons... and more mangoes...

And after all, there will be sun! Did I tell you that I miss the sun?

[In yet another news, Monday is a public holiday here in Australia... LONG WEEKEND YAAY!]

... it’s raining on the roof from where I could see the runway in my other life

It is no secret how those with surnames typical to a particular faith are treated in airports all around the world (or is it not THAT widely known really?)... and while my surname is religion-ambiguous, Crazy’s is not; while my passport is from the ‘secular’ Bangladesh where terrorism is brewing, Crazy’s is from the ‘Islamic’ Pakistan where terrorism is at large... ever wondered why I am not a fan of airports?

[... and no, we do not have the same surname. I never took his, just as he never took mine. What? I do not even consider it a rebellion; to me it is only a ‘basic’ level of fair!]

It matters very little that both of us have rejected any form religion and chosen the path of rational humanism or that we condemn terrorism in any form. It does not make a difference- because after all hostility does not allow room for reason or logic, and it is ‘prudent’ to practice ‘caution’ for the ‘greater good’...

...blah.. blah.. and blah!

There is more than one reason why I want this whole world to be ONE BIG COUNTRY where religion is a personal matter (by which I mean- no preaching, no blowing the ‘infidels’ up, no discrimination, simply peace, simply live-and-let-live), and not one person cares about the others’ faith situation. Don’t you think this world would be a much better place that way...?

... and as a bonus- airports would be a place that I, just another peace-loving member of the world, too would ‘enjoy’...?

Your lipstick stains on the front load of my left side brains... *

The walk to home this evening was cold, but nice...

... cold enough to... umm.. 'stiffen' my already clogged sinuses and cause me to literally run and splash my face in steaming hot water immediately after stepping in the house... OUCH! And no, it is not at all an exaggerated 'ouch'... it really *does* hurt!

[I do hope that you have no idea what I'm going on about, in other words- that you are not a fellow sufferer :)]

... but in a strange way, despite the physical discomfort- it is also kind of liberating... the walk, the not-so-long days of Winter, the long shadows, the street lights, the car headlights, the cold breeze and a head full of jumbled words...

As of now- the words in my head are still jumbled, the sinus pores are still blocked, and I still have not cancelled my flight.

Looks like I am taking the 18,130 kilometres journey just in a few weeks after all...

[*The title is taken from the song, Hey Soul Sister by Train. Another song that I love...]

You're out of luck and the reason that you had to care- the traffic is stuck and you're not moving anywhere...*

You have been away for many months; most days I do not even notice it anymore. I stopped going to your Facebook page a long time now....

I know that it is a part of the process in your drug addiction rehabilitation program; you need to cut the ties with the whole outer world. I know and I’m practical enough to understand it too; but it is on days like this when my sinusitis is playing a havoc on me, when there is this glass-like winter sunlight in abundance and when many people who has no idea where you are- are sending you Facebook messages... I realize with a longing in my heart that it’s been a while that I spoke to you.... and that I miss you.

I miss you, my friend.... and yet I do not write on your wall. What’s the point, I know you are not there really. You have not been there for a long time now- from even before you decided to sign in to a 'rehab' to ‘get clean’. It has been a long time... and surely it took me a long time to miss you, but I do miss you today.

... I miss you; not from your recent past.... but from many many years back before drugs took you away- when you used to be my friend.

[*The title is from the lyrics of U2’s Beautiful Day. Love the song...]

Tales of my heart, like sea salts in the ocean

A few more weeks and I fly away to my vacation...

... for just a few weeks, and not much time is left before that either; and still, I’m so not prepared. I am yet to decide what to pack, to take my clothes or buy from there, wear winter clothes for the journey or summer ones...? [I have sort of decided on the summer clothes with one winter jacket for the road...].

... and more importantly... what to get for my mum?

I have, though, booked a cat hotel for Sherkhan. I’m worrying my head off over it too... I wonder if he’d think I have abandoned him and cannot help but feel many pangs of regret... suddenly the 'not so long' vacation seems like a long one... and the negatives of going back, for however short period of time, weighs heavy on me...

... but just when I was going back and forth with my decision to travel, my phone beeped... it was my dad’s one of those now-routine countdown text messages. You see, he is counting down the days till he sees me... and I realize that there’s no turning back now. I have to go for those who still care, for those who still love me; and that is not something that I can just take for granted; can I?

No, I cannot- because I know by now, how hard I make it for them to do so. I appreciate it a lot more now than I ever did in my life. It must mean that I'm growing up...

PS: Any of you have any packing tips for me? I am SO BAD at this!! Also, what can I get for MY MUM?!

Yup; I’m facing it- it’s Winter...

... but of course, I got myself some incentives first.... in form of a few of those black, thick, patterned and stylish leggings.

I thought, since the next 6 months will be cold- there’s no way I am ‘not’ going to wear skirts for such a long time! I always preferred those fitted work skirts over work trousers anyway... I think they suit my hourglassy frame way more than trousers do.

Yea, I flatter myself on a regular basis- as you see, it is evident here... actually, no- not really, I don’t; but we all have our preferences for many reasons right or wrong and- similarly- mine would be SKIRTS over TROUSERS any given day.

Just out of curiosity, though- given a choice which one would you mostly go for? Skirts, or trousers?


[On a rather unrelated note, here is a photograph of Crazy and me that I had always liked and wanted to share. *Hi Crazy!*]

Bring me back December!

It was so foggy this morning like you won’t believe!

Now, I know how some of you are having really hot weather in the Northern Hemisphere and cannot possibly fathom the fact that it’s so cold over where I am... but this thick fog has probably given me a cold already. Cold, as in- cold and flu- and, not cold and shiver... well, not exaggerating- my ears are hurting and my eyes are running... and MY FACE HURTS!

Oh... the joys of blocked sinuses... OUCH!

Winter has officially arrived in the Southern Hemisphere, my friends. For some reason, I am not at all excited about the whole weather thing for the next HALF A YEAR*!

Okay. I'll stop now.

[*Maybe I should say '6 months' instead of 'half a year' from now on. Would you agree that it sounds much less long that way?]

Snap!

I had a terrible past few weeks. Absolutely terrible!!!!

But then, it is expected that for an accountant- that the closer to June you go, the worse it gets. My ‘thought of the moment’ is that I’m only too happy that June is a month I do not need to 'do', that June is ‘accrued’- and that probably the worst is over... for a year at least.

Please pardon my accountant’s rambling; but in my defence- when you have a month like I did, it is not easy to just ‘snap out’ of it in seconds. The last few weeks has seen me as a headachy insomniac, sick of numbers, mentally exhausted with random mad-girl bouts... in short, I have not been very well :)...

I’ve been popping pills in me more than I popped food, and still the pains just won’t go away. There were days when the only food I had was a little bowl of honey flavoured oatmeal and about 10 mugs of masala chai. Hunger was an alien feeling kicked out of my system by stress.

But today, after weeks- on June 1- I’m craving for FOOD; that should be a GOOD thing.

On a random note- I think one of these days I need to make some fish chops; spicy and herby- smelling of lemongrass. Yum, even the thought of it is lovely!! Does anyone have a fish chop recipe that I could perhaps use?