Monday, September 19, 2011 | By: Reenie

... and though time goes by, I will always be... in a club with you in 1973*

Here I am… breaking it again: the promise that I WILL write a few lines everyday.

The last few days were again a blur… with random explosions of emotion, sadness, revelations and some (possible) mistakes. They were not good- the days; but I don’t want to talk about them…

You see, I’d rather talk about monkeys and cats because they are fun and easy :). Aren’t those the things you’d rather hear of anyway as well? :)

I will say this, however, that I’m not sure if I am finally doing something I should have done a long time back- or just making the biggest mistake of my life… but the arrow has been shot and I’m now seeing it go. That’s all I can do, I guess…

… and also I’m considering seeing a therapist... you know, regularly. I gathered I need to. I need to.


On a happy note, Sher- my kitten- loves me very much… and whoever thought that things like this alone cannot make you go on- are dead wrong; because they can. And they are.

*Title credit: 1973 by James Blunt
Monday, September 12, 2011 | By: Reenie

Four

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die. 
- Elizabeth Frye, 1932

I remember thinking of this poem around the time my grandmother died. It's been 4 years now, almost. It's strange to think that 4 years back, on a September day... my world had gotten a little smaller.

Dida, forever missed. 

Sometimes when I think of her, her absence speaks to me... then there are times when I feel she is right there inside of me... but most of the times, despite the pain and sadness of her parting- and despite knowing that I will never ever see her again, I'm glad I was an important part of HER life...

... as she was in mine.

Four long years and many more to come, I guess...

I miss you Dids. I wish you never left... and I wish my heart and my brain could trick me into believing in some kind of an afterlife for just once so that I could hope to see you again.
Sunday, September 11, 2011 | By: Reenie

Nobody said it was easy; no one ever said it would be so hard*

In my recent effort to write (if only) a few lines everyday, I have again realized how empty my brain is these days... it's strange, in a way, I guess... and not something who has never suffered from clinical depression will understand... at least, not fully.

It's not as dark as it is foggy; not quite as much pain or sorrow as much it is just... numbness. In my head, on my bad days, all voices are muffled and even if they were not, I could not care less anyway...

... and the 'awake' state on those days is much like the 'slumber' state... not fully awake, not fully sleeping; and not quite there either.

So... yeah, as I was saying, the brain is still empty; and yet the fog is clearing... I can tell, can't you? :)

*Title credit: The Scientist by Coldplay. 


Saturday, September 10, 2011 | By: Reenie

I'd rather be a comma... than a fullstop... *

I have been on a Coldplay spree. 

It may have been brought on by the upcoming release of their new song... or, as always, just plain and simple Chris Martin. I have always had this (not-so) secret crush on him anyway :). Too bad he is married to the gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow and I, of course, do not stand a chance... LOL!

A girl can dream though, no harm in that :).

It's been a good day. Because even all else aside- Coldplay or not, Chris Martin or not- there is very few things in this world that is as good as a lazy Saturday... and that is exactly how my today has been.

Before I go today, something for you to listen to... [even if you think Coldplay is not your cup of tea :), it definitely is mine- and I think this song ROCKS!]...



All I need now is a few more days like this and a few more songs like that- and I will be as good as new :)

*Title Courtesy: Every Teardrop is a Waterfall- Coldplay. 



Friday, September 9, 2011 | By: Reenie

Something.... Anything....

I have said my goodbyes to uni-brows and bushy eyebrows today. After a short visit to the salon- I look and feel slightly more 'human' than I did in weeks, maybe months even. It's strange how burdened those extra bits of 'hair' can make you feel! I gather it's better to be miserable in style (as Agnes had put it quite some time back in a comment to one of my posts) than otherwise. I'm aiming for that. Wish me luck, quick! Wish me luck coz I need it... it's just too easy to get me down these days :).

In other news, I am eagerly waiting for the new Coldplay song, Paradise, that's coming out on the September 12.


Only one teaser of the lyrics that was released today:

When she was just a girl she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach...
... so she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise...

Sad, yet beautiful. Melancholy, yet resonating.... much like many other things in the world that make and break LIFE, don't you think?

Sunday, September 4, 2011 | By: Reenie

.... of Meows and Purrs

When my coworker heard about Sher’s past history of pancreatitis- the first response I got from her is- ‘Don’t be cruel to him, Reenie, put him down’.

What a terrible thing to say…

… specially given that Sher is a rather healthy kitten now- the pancreatitis has not been back for about a year (*touchwood*) and he has never been happier…and this is precisely what I was telling her.

… and to suggest that I am being ‘cruel’ to my Sher- guess that was pretty insensitive too.

I’m finding it hard to say it right now- but the said coworker is actually a nice person… she bakes cakes on everyone’s birthdays, she remembers little details about you, she is the mommy of the department… but that one thing she said to me is all that I hear when I see her these days.

‘… put him down’…

… what a terrible… terrible thing to say.

Maybe there will be a day when I will be able to forgive her for her one insensitive advise, I just know that day is not todayor tomorrow... or any day in the near future.

Please have a look at the photograph- my Sher is watching birdies from the open door- healthy and happyHow can someone even suggest ‘putting him down’?!
Thursday, September 1, 2011 | By: Reenie

Not Half Enough

You know what they say about depression, right? They say ‘admit you have a problem… and half your problem is gone’. Well… maybe not in so many words, but that definitely is the gist… but do notice, will you, it says ‘half’...?

Now, I admit it. I have a problem: I have gotten myself into a rut… or in a dark long tunnel… or in a cave where the sunlight cannot find a way to.


How? I honestly don’t know. I guess I lost my way while walking into the woods… or maybe I fell into a cavity of some sort while I wasn’t paying attention… may be that is how my insides always were under the fa├žade that somehow washed away

But that’s beside the point. It’s rather the other half of the problem, per se, that leaves me clueless... because I so want to come out of this tunnel/ cave/ phase/ whatever… I really do.

… I just have no bloody idea how to.



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