Monday, April 23, 2012 | By: Reenie

Are you ever ready?

It’s been months I have been pushing it farther deep inside… you know that nagging voice in my head that tells me incessantly that I’m not ready. It is nasty, that voice: it points at my overgrown yard, my mismatched bed socks on a Saturday morning, my exhausted not-so-attractive pregnant body, the ‘stretch marks’ that have started appearing, the bedroom# 3 that needs ‘fixing up’, the unfinished nursery (so much to buy!), the paperwork I’m yet to complete, a crazy schedule throughout May with ‘birthing and labour’ classes and what-not…

… it mocks at me whispering: ‘Oh, you are so not ready!

In a way, I know that voice is right. I probably am not ready. But it bothers me much less now than it did before- because I kinda realized I would never have been ready, I have always been ‘cautious’ that way…

... and also, to be fair on myself, I probably give myself much less credit for what I am capable of; after all the kitten has taught me a few things about myself, like- I can be protective, passionate, caring and selfless with a very strong maternal instinct that has driven me to the end of the world on many occasions to make sure my baby (baby#1, the kitten) is safe, healthy and is treated right [Big words, I know, but do you have anything smaller that you can describe ‘parenthood’ by? I don't]

… and that tells me it’s probably okay, that we’ll probably be okay… and that I may not be the best- but I will probably be an 'okay enough' mum.
Friday, April 20, 2012 | By: Reenie

A Tribute

My uncle passed away a few days back.

We haven’t been in touch for years- he had never married, never had children or furkids. For the last few years of his life, he was a lonely man- with no family or friends- unwanted due to his sometimes eccentric and paranoid nature… the only family he had any kind of contact with in his last few years is my dad.

But there was a time we were close. There was a time we used to live in the same house- in a ‘joint family’ house- as the East calls it. I remember him humming silly catchy tunes with his own lyrics, I remember him whistling along with the radio, I remember his love of a then-famous Indian actress- Madhuri Dixit, his crush for a beautiful neighbour, his closeness to my dad- and the loud brotherly laughter (of him and my dad) echoing through the nights…

I have met him two years back when I went to Dhaka- I do not remember where exactly, but I remember him asking me if I lived in Melbourne or Sydney and if I liked it there. I fear my reluctance to have anything to do with my extended family (I have issues too), had made me a little distant; my answers were short. If I were to do that meeting all over again now, I would do it differently. I would at least remember what he said when I politely asked him what he was up to now-a-days.

But the fact remains- I do not. So I am doing what I can. I am remembering him in his best light. He wasn’t perfect, neither am I... and as I always say, he is not a better person when he’s dead- but I believe he wasn’t evil; he was paranoid, bitter and rude perhaps- but he was also very very lonely. He made poor choices, he was sorely taken advantage of- and in the end he died alone. I think it is a sad life.

I wish life was kinder to you, Reza Ali. I do not believe in an afterlife, but for your sake- I wish I were wrong… that there was a life waiting for you that balances out the loneliness you endured with something nice and good. We will never ever meet again- but I will remember you every time I watch a Madhuri Dixit movie for the rest of my life.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012 | By: Reenie

Stories told, Stories untold

 I have finally hired a gardener. He starts this weekend- my first step to getting my house in some kind of shape before the big change arrives- the garden.

… and then the bedroom 3, then the nursery… busy busy busy times ahead.

On a related note, I- for the life of me- could NEVER find my heart in gardening. I can’t help but feel that I must have something fundamentally wrong with me- after all, I am yet to meet another person who LOATHES gardening half as much as I do!

… also cooking… not that I do not cook for pleasure ever, but the majority of times- cooking, to me, is nothing but a chore. I know, I too am convinced I have the ‘creative chip’ missing from my brain!

On a semi-related note, my new gardener looks like a childhood friend of mine- one that I recently found on Facebook after 20+ years of no contact and it brought back a flood of memories of a life mostly forgotten.

Life can be such a plot for a great story at times, don’t you think?
Thursday, April 12, 2012 | By: Reenie

Flat Shoes, Cold Mornings & Random Thoughts

Just an update on my life as of now:

1. The bump is getting bigger. I am stepping into my seventh month of pregnancy in just a few days.

2. There is a LOT of things to buy and loads to fix. One burning example is that we bought a baby cot wa-aa-y back in February (a cute colourful one that we just couldn’t resist!) and are yet to assemble it.

3. There is a ‘perfect’ name to be found and I’m running out of time.

4. I have had blood drawn for my gestational diabetes test yesterday… I’m convinced I’ll be ‘a positive’ due to my strong family history of diabetes. The results haven’t come in yet though.

5. Cold winter mornings are back.

6. High heels are out. I’m wearing flats these days. And unlike all other times in the past, without many qualms- who’d have thought that I’ll be mellowed down (shoe-wise) like this?

7. … though I’m trying not to panic each time I look at the scales- after all I have never in my life weighed over 51 kilos before!

In the strangest possible way, I miss writing sometimes; but then, when I do end up writing- I feel exposed… so many-a-times I end up closing the ‘compose’ page and open the one that says is a ‘treasure’ for baby names… Bullshit. There is NO SITE that I have found so far that I can call a treasure for baby names. Fact.

Anyone there to help me out so that my future offspring does not go nameless- or worse, does not end up with a BAD name?

Oh, the horror.

Oh a different note, how have you all been btw?
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